you wait for life the whole time and miss the one right in front of you. the life is already there - live it

i will forever grieve about the teenage years and 20s i never had

i'm longing for a place that will not be
a time that cannot be
i wish i wish i wish for
something more, something less, something
anything.
but i don't know what it is

there lies a bottle of champagne in the darkest corner of my room
waiting for an opportunity that never comes

i feel so disconnected from this world
the way it moves around me without me in it
i feel so sad below my bones
my soul grieves for something it's never known

the wind calls my name & calls me home

losing friends like a tree losing leaves
in a cold and windy autumn night

when the streets are empty and the stars shine bright
moths are dancing at the street lights and i can't find my way home

It hurts so much. Everything hurts so much. My mood is so bad. I just want to crawl into my bed and not move for the next days. It feels like I'm build out of glass and just one wrong move could break me.

i spend the first half of the year building relationships and apologizing for last year's behaviour.
and in the second half i destroy everything again. i destroy everything that touches me.

i feel so out of place & out of time

when did i stop loving the fall and all its colors? the red and yellow of dying leaved. a gray fog hanging low above the green grass. and the blue of misty weather. i used to think of fall as the season of dying. the death of parts of myself and old habits. now i hate the red leaves. still too colorful for my empty mind. maybe there is nothing left of me except my body. i look forward to winter. to snow and clouds covering all colors left in only white and gray. so it matches the heavy loneliness of my heart.

I've said it so often it has lost its meaning.

i spent years trying to fix myself & it's not fair i'm falling apart again. it's not fair it's not fair it's not fair it's not fair

i'm just a lost soul still wandering an earth that is not for him

i am not living right now and i'm not sure if i ever will

i spend more time watching myself watch the seasons pass than i actually watch the seasons pass.

it's summer and it's making me sad because everything gets beautiful -- except me.

listening to sad songs and drowning in old memories

All my life I've been running away from something, someone. Now that it's over I have nothing to run to. I have nowhere to go.

Some times I wish I was dead. Other times I wish I was alive.

i am a child of a revolution that never happened. a kid of faith no one believes in. i am a piece of art no one painted. a new born star in the night sky. i don't know where i belong

i have found comfort in the loneliness and a home in the sadness. i would be lost without it.

i'm a mistake i'm a failure i'm a disappointment i'm a mess. maybe that's all i am and all i ever will be. a fuckup. a lost cause

i know you all just want the best for me
then tell me, what is best for me?

i'm trying to remember the good things in the last years. days, moments when i was happy. and i can't think of any.

i'm so damaged i break at everything

i love the fall because everything is dying with me

i was at a point when i thought i'd never get better. i was at a point when i didn't want to get better. and now i just don't care

I know the saying 'it's not a bad life, it's just a bad day'. Then tell me, when will my ten years of bad days, of neverending pain and suffering and sadness end?

It's exhausting getting up again and again all alone and getting pulled down by the people who you trusted the most. I've felt like this my whole life. I just can't take it anymore. I've had enough.

i can't eat i can't sleep i can't breath
i can't live and i can't die either
i just don't fucking care anymore

It's like you're drowning. Water filling your lungs and it gets harder and harder to breath. You're screaming until your lungs hurt but not a sound comes out. You're floating through empty space, all around you muffeled, muted. You can't breath. You start to panic. It's cold and black. It's pulling you down. Your chest hurts, there's only pain in your body from swallowing water. Staring into the emptiness and trying to get up and up and up but there's no end and then ⸻ you just stop trying.

Maybe this is life's way of telling me to stop. It keeps pushing and pushing, hitting me and trampling on me because it is its way of telling me I'm not supposed to be alive. I should have died a long time ago. So it keeps telling me to 'die, die, die' and i almost believe it

On New Year's Eve two years ago I held you in my arms.
On New Year's Eve last year I drowned my sorrows in alcohol.
I'm scared of what will happen this year.

I wish I could fall asleep but it reminds me too much of the nights we shared.
It reminds me too much of not getting to hold you in my arms anymore. Your hands in my hair and your lips on mine.
It's been two years and I'm still not over you.

I hope you think of me when you look at the stars at the night. When you look into the dark and at the brightstars. Because when you pointed up telling me about the beautiful universe, I couldn't but look at you thinking you are the most beautiful thing in the universe. Even more beautiful than the stars you loved so much. I loved you so much.

I want to enjoy all that christmas stuff
without feeling my heart break again and again
                   and again

Every day I wake up feeling even more tired than the day before.

My room is clean but my mind is still a mess

how do i live my life when i can't even live with myself?

i am tired no matter how much i sleep

i don't even set high goals but i still manage to disappoint myself every fucking time

i am a mixture of superlatives and contradictions

i don't want to sleep because i don't want to dream of you

How am I supposed to study with only death inside my mind?

I thought if i drank enough i could forget your name
but here i am remembering you touching my skin

When home is where the heart is
where do i belong?
when home is where the heart is
this is not my home

I live inside the sadness. I don't miss happiness anymore

The only thing that healed are the scars on my skin, not the scars on my soul

My souls screams for relief

I need more alcohol and cigarettes to get you out of my head.